Session 2 — How to Help a Friend Who is Deconstructing?
Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, wrestling with questions you’re not sure how to answer? Maybe you’ve experienced a season where you looked around at people who disagreed with you—people who were smart, well-read, and seemingly sincere—and thought, “What if I’m wrong?” That kind of nagging doubt can feel unsettling. I know it did for me. I grew up as a pastor’s kid in a home where church was central. My dad had been an atheist before coming to Christ, and he eventually became a Baptist pastor. When I reached those curious teenage years, I suddenly realized there were intelligent individuals who didn’t believe what I did. And it was unsettling.
In recent years, we’ve seen a lot of conversation around the term “deconstruction.” It’s all over social media, cropping up in blog posts, interviews, podcasts—some well-known Christians even claim they’ve “deconstructed” and walked away from the faith. At its root, deconstruction can sound like a trendy way of saying “I’m doubting what I once believed.” But typically, it’s used to describe something darker: not simply evaluating beliefs, but dismantling them until you end up rejecting the bedrock of Christianity altogether. My goal is not to dismiss the real struggles behind that word. We all face doubt, and we should talk openly about it. But I do want to point out how the popular movement of deconstruction often goes beyond honest questioning and can lead people away from the very truth we need most.
Understanding Deconstruction vs. Genuine Doubt
Doubt and the Search for Answers
If you rewind ten or fifteen years, the word “doubt” was the usual way we spoke of lacking confidence in something we believed. For instance, you might say, “I’m having doubts about whether the Bible is reliable,” or “I’m wrestling with how a good God can allow suffering.” Good, honest questions like these have a long history in Christian thought. Look at the Psalms; David pours out some raw emotions there. Or consider the disciple Thomas, who said he wouldn’t believe Jesus had risen until he saw the nail scars for himself.
These kinds of questions can be a catalyst. In my own life, they drove me to apologetics. Personal doubt became the spark that made me ask, “Why do I believe this? Is it really true, or just inherited family tradition?” And as I studied Scripture, history, philosophy, and the testimonies of countless Christians through the centuries, I came away strengthened in faith.
What “Deconstruction” Often Means
But “deconstruction” usually refers to something different. The term has been floating around for decades in academic circles—French philosophers like Jacques Derrida wrote extensively about “deconstructing” texts—but in popular Christian conversation, it often means tearing down one’s entire belief system until there’s essentially nothing left. Some folks present it almost like a healthy exercise: “I’m just peeling away my blind spots so I can have a pure faith.” But in many social-media circles, remaining a Christian afterward is considered evidence that you haven’t truly deconstructed. People like musician Lecrae or authors who advocate “get rid of your old beliefs” suggest that after deconstruction, you either adopt a very minimal or totally redefined version of Christianity—or you leave the faith altogether.
There is a distinction between recognizing “Wow, I used to think this was biblical, but it was really just cultural preference” and actively dismantling everything the Bible teaches about Christ’s death, resurrection, and salvation. The second is the path we see many ex-Christians taking. People who are going through that don’t merely tweak secondary convictions; they abandon central doctrines—like biblical authority, the deity of Christ, or the meaning of the cross. Hence my caution: deconstruction in its popular usage is usually not about honest refinement but about walking away from faith altogether.
Key Reasons People Deconstruct
Disappointment with Christians or the Church
For many people, intellectual arguments aren’t the main cause of deconstruction. Instead, it’s personal hurt. Maybe they were wounded by a pastor’s sin or had a Sunday School teacher who turned out to be a hypocrite. Some experienced spiritual abuse in a church setting or observed a congregation that seemed more interested in power or politics than in living out the gospel. Over time, this disappointment festers into the conclusion: “If this is Christianity, I want no part of it.”
We need to acknowledge that Christians, like all people, sin. We do real damage when we fail morally or show pride, bigotry, or neglect of the vulnerable. But that doesn’t invalidate Jesus or make His teachings false. It simply reminds us that we’re often poor performers of the beautiful “music” He composed. As I like to say: if someone plays Beethoven poorly, we don’t blame Beethoven. In the same way, the misdeeds of Christians don’t negate the truth of Christ.
Political Frustrations
In some circles, “evangelical” has gotten tied up with political labels. People see Christianity as an arm of a particular political party. When a politician does something questionable or stands for policies they consider unethical while using Christian rhetoric, the faith itself gets a bad rap. A person might think, “If that’s what following Jesus looks like, I’m out.” Again, they’re not walking away because they discovered new scientific data that invalidates the Bible; they’re walking away because they see a movement aligned with politics they find disturbing.
True Christianity transcends political affiliations. We must be careful not to let any candidate, party, or government hijack the message of the gospel. Jesus is neither left nor right; He’s above them all, calling us to faith and obedience that speaks to every part of life.
Secularism and the Pursuit of Personal Happiness
Another reason for deconstruction is secular thinking creeping in, telling us that life is about personal happiness above all else. If biblical teachings on marriage, sexuality, or sacrificial living feel restrictive, people might decide, “I don’t want that worldview.” So they deconstruct as a way to free themselves from moral obligations. Rarely is it a case of “I discovered the resurrection never happened.” It’s more, “I don’t like these moral constraints.”
Social Contagion
This one is huge in our social media age: “deconstruction communities” exist online, ready to embrace your doubts and push them further. A hurting young adult stumbles into one of these communities and sees post after post about how stifling or oppressive Christianity is, how antiquated the Bible is, and how much freer life becomes once you shed it all. That environment makes cynicism snowball. It’s a social contagion effect: we often adopt the outlook of those we spend time with. Scripture acknowledges this reality: “Evil communications corrupt good manners” (1 Corinthians 15:33). That verse sits in a passage about doctrinal error regarding the resurrection—reminding us that who we listen to shapes what we believe.
Addressing Deconstruction in a Healthy, Constructive Way
Build Your Own Confidence in Christian Belief
If someone you care about is flirting with deconstruction—or if you’re grappling with it yourself—start by shoring up what you believe. Christianity, at its core, is not built on a shaky foundation. We have ample evidence for the historical resurrection of Jesus, the trustworthiness of Scripture, and the coherence of biblical teaching. Dive into apologetics resources. Read or watch thoughtful debates. Don’t be content to say, “I guess I just believe because my mom told me to.” Learn why you believe it. As 1 Peter 3:15 instructs us, “Always be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you.” You can’t give what you don’t have.
Recognize There’s a Hierarchy of Doctrinal Importance
Not every belief you hold is as central as the deity of Christ or the reality of the resurrection. Some Christians, for instance, differ on how exactly the end times will unfold, or on whether speaking in tongues is for today. It’s okay to hold strong convictions in these areas, but never treat them as though they’re as crucial as the gospel itself. If we make all doctrines equally critical, we risk turning our faith into a rigid structure where pulling out any small piece might make the entire edifice collapse.
If you’re mentoring someone wrestling with faith, help them see the difference between a preference (like whether you trick-or-treat on Halloween) and a primary doctrine (like “Jesus bodily rose from the dead”). When we have that clarity, a person can navigate legitimate questions about secondary issues without concluding they must throw out the entire Christian faith.
Practice (and Encourage) Genuine Christian Living
Another powerful antidote to cynicism is to live out a vibrant, consistent Christian life. If you’re wanting to influence a friend or family member who’s deep into deconstruction circles, remember that logic and facts alone won’t always persuade them. They might be burned by hypocrisy and are waiting to see if your life genuinely reflects Jesus. 1 Peter 3 also reminds wives married to unbelieving husbands that their Christlike conduct can powerfully soften hearts “without the word.” We too can show the fruit of love, joy, peace, kindness, and integrity. That visible testimony often speaks louder than any argument.
Keep the Relationship Open
People who are deconstructing often feel isolated or misunderstood. If you cut ties the moment they start questioning, you confirm their suspicion that Christians only love those who conform. Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Spend time with them talking about normal, everyday things—sports, coffee, music—while also being willing to discuss spiritual matters when they’re ready. Let them know you still care about them as a person, not just as a debate project.
Pray, Pray, Pray
We don’t want to overlook the power of prayer. Doubt and deconstruction are spiritual battles. Scripture tells us “the effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16). We’re not going to argue someone back to faith by human effort alone. We call on God to work in hearts, convict of sin, reveal Himself, and illuminate minds. Pray earnestly and regularly for anyone you know caught in deconstruction, or for yourself if you’re the one drowning in questions.
Practical Steps for Those in the Midst of Doubt
If you’re personally in that phase where your faith feels shaky, I want you to know: it’s okay to have big questions. It’s okay to ask how a loving God coexists with evil, or why science and faith seem to clash at times, or whether the Gospels are historically reliable. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it.
Guard what you let influence you. Be mindful of the social media groups and online communities you frequent. If their entire purpose is to guide you out of Christianity, balance that by reading robust Christian authors and discussing your doubts with wise, godly mentors.
Pursue truth, not just comfort. Sometimes, stepping away from faith might feel momentarily freeing, but we want what’s actually true, not just what’s pleasant. And biblical Christianity, if true, tells us our lives have eternal significance and that we have a Savior who died for us—news far more meaningful than any short-term sense of “no rules.”
Seek God honestly. James 4:8 reminds us, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” That doesn’t mean you’ll get every question answered in neat bullet points. But it does mean God meets genuine seekers with grace and a sense of His presence.
I’ve found that the best faith isn’t on the opposite side of doubt but on the far side of doubt—after you’ve wrestled, prayed, searched Scripture, studied, and come through the storm with deeper assurance. You become like a tree that’s tested by strong winds: your roots grow deeper for having faced the challenge.
Reflection
Where does this leave us? If you’re watching a friend or loved one drift into deconstruction, hang in there with them. Love them authentically. Listen to their struggles. Be honest about failures in the church but also affirm the pure goodness of Jesus’s teaching. Show them there’s a difference between flawed Christians and the flawless Christ. And pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their heart.
If you are the one in the thick of doubt, I encourage you: don’t give up on faith without wrestling it through. This process isn’t just an intellectual exercise; it’s a spiritual one. Seek truth with all your heart. Let that doubt fuel a diligent search—read excellent Christian thinkers, dig into Scripture, and talk openly with mature believers. Take the personal risk of praying in your uncertainty: “God, if You’re real, guide me toward Your truth. Help me see.”
Our God is big enough to handle our hardest questions. And Christianity, at its essence, holds up under scrutiny. The deeper you go, the more you’ll find a Savior worth trusting in every corner of your life. Even in the stormy seasons, He remains the solid rock we can lean on. And on the other side of your searching, you may well discover that your faith has emerged far stronger than when you first began.
So don’t be afraid of your questions. Let them lead you closer to the One who is both the Author of Truth and the Lover of our souls. As you keep pressing forward—praying, reflecting, and seeking godly wisdom—I believe you’ll find that Christ truly is the good news He claims to be, and that the gospel is every bit as life-giving, redemptive, and transformative as Scripture proclaims.
